Longing

Chapter 1 Excerpt

Patrick & Olivia

I grabbed his hand, he looked down at it, then at me. His eyebrow raised, our twins riding their tricycles for the first time in front of us and dropped my hand. The annoyance clear on his face.

I knew this when I married him, not when I met him. We have had this same fight over and over again – one touch, even a hug from him – will last me weeks, but he refuses to initiate, even to touch me when we walk past each other in the house. Am I nothing to him but a roommate? Someone to pass the time with in this life? Am I not a wife?

I exhale quietly, the longing buried deep…what does that even mean to him? I don’t think he knows. Or maybe he doesn’t care.

I’ve been having the same dream over and over again and its about his indifference. He cheats, he leaves, he walks away – and its never the details that matter, but its his indifference towards me. The way he looks at me with uncaring, cold eyes and just says “I’m leaving.” No feeling, no emotion. Nothing.

Is this how we are now? Is there nothing there anymore? Is it all a pretense?

We have the house and a vacation home. We have good jobs. We have a wonderful son and daughter, a secure future, but what about our souls and our hearts? What does he want? He won’t even tell me what he wants in the bedroom or what he likes. He won’t talk about it. And over the last 7 years, I’ve shut down. I’ve tried dressing up for a night out, no comments anymore. I’ve tried being cute with adorable lingerie or even bringing a fun playful blindfold into the bedroom - he says no and even stopped commenting on the lingerie. To the point where now I feel self-conscious for even trying. How did I get here?

How did I let him bring me here? Did I let him bring me here? Let - such a strong word. I’m stronger than that. I don’t let anyone drive my life but me, or I thought. This is not who I am. This is not who I was.

This is not who I want our children to be.